How Nurturing Instinct Kills Relationships

People, who act predominantly out of Nurturing Instinct,
instinctively engage in behavior that kills the intimacy
between themselves and their partner,
which results in the end of their relationships

Unfortunately,
they have no awareness that they are doing it.

Those who act primarily out of Nurturing Instinct
are instinctively attracted to partners
who act primarily out of Warrior Instinct.
This attraction guarantees the survival and safety of their children.
Which is why these two have been instinctively attracted to each other for thousands of years.
But, it also guarantees that their relationships will suffer and possibly fail.

Warrior and Nurturing Instincts are survival instincts.
They help our species to survive.

They do not help us to be happy..

Our Gathering and Worker Instincts help us to be happy.

Those who act primarily out of Nurturing Instinct
are constantly judging and teaching.
They are instinctively motivated to guide and teach children as they grow.

Often, they are unable to turn this instinct off
when interacting with their adult partner.
They will judge them also.
And try to teach them.

If you are in a relationship with this person, this can make you feel like you are being treated like a child.
Not as an equal.
But someone less intelligent, less aware or less experienced than them.

The Warrior may feel like they are being judged negatively.
When they respond to this negative judgement, out of anger, the Nurturer will not validate their feelings.
They will question their feelings.
As though perhaps they know better than their partner, what they are actually feeling.
This makes the Warrior feel like they are crazy.

They are being told, they don't know what they are actually feeling.
And need someone else to tell them.

But the Warrior will be adamant that they absolutely DO know what they are feeling!

The Nurturing partner will be adamant that they know best.
And, they will expect their Warrior partner to validate their feelings.
It's imbalanced.

Every time this happens
it puts a block to intimacy between them.

Imagine a brick that sits on the ground between two people.
One brick you can easily step over. A few, not too difficult.
But you must get over all these bricks to be close to your partner.
The more bricks that get piled up, the harder it is to get over them.
You are constantly stubbing your toe on them or tripping.
After a while, you just give up. It's too much effort.

And then the Nurturer will complain that they are not as close as they used to be.
This will, of course, be the Warrior's fault, since the Nurturer is unable to see their own behavior.
Or the effect that it has on other people.

Block by block, incident by incident,
the Nurturing partner is building a barrier to intimacy between them
until the intimacy is dead.
And the relationship is over.

A person who acts primarily out of Nurturing Instinct
can undergo a personality change when they start to have children.
They become focused on the health, safety, and education of their children.

Children learn by repetition.
When they play outside, they need to be reminded to wipe their feet and wash their hands.
This constant reminding helps it to become second nature to them.

Our Nurturing Instinct
doesn't come with an on/off switch for this behavior.

We may turn to our adult partner, and talk to them in the same way.
Those of us who act primarily out of Nurturing Instinct often initiate conversation from the assumption that others need our help.

This can cause problems with our partners.

When we first started dating, we probably conversed like two adults.
Now, our Nurturing Instinct partner is talking down to us.
This same person is reminding us to wipe our feet every time we walk in the door.
Gradually they have changed. Now, they talk to us as though we were also a child.
Nurturing Instinct has taken control.

And, their Warrior partner may react angrily: "Hey, who are you talking to?
I'm not a child, I'm a full grown adult just like you.
Do you think I have suddenly gone stupid and don't remember to wipe my feet any more?"

What has happened to that great person they married who used to act they were equals?
They have become a parent.

If the Warrior tells them they feel insulted by their behavior,
the Nurturer will be confused and angry.

Our Nurturing Instinct makes us act on the belief that since we are motivated to help you, that any behavior we do would be welcome.
After all, we are only trying to be helpful.

We do not see a difference between motivation and behavior.

Most of the time we won't have any awareness of what we are actually doing.

This is instinctive behavior.
Not rational behavior.

We would not rationally or consciously choose to do something that would destroy the intimacy between ourselves and our partner.

This behavior can kill the intimacy level between couples.

This behavior has also been responsible for keeping our species alive, for a very long time.

All things happen in balance.